I’ve clarified my personal code.
This is a set of values I wish to use to make decisions.
I find this set of values useful when I’m faced with multiple paths, my emotions are rising, and I’m unsure how to spend my time.
Here’s the process:
1 – Who do you admire?
At one of the Berkshire Hathaway shareholders meetings I attended, Warren Buffett said that a way to live a better life is to think of whom you admire most. Think of what it is about them that you most admire. Then try to live according to those values.
Who do you most admire? What characteristics do they display that you most admire?
2 – Three values
Professor and author Scott Galloway has noted that we, especially men, used to get codes to live by from the military and religion. If you don’t have a code from a group you believe in and live by, create your own.
Based on those you most admire—and whose lives you most want to emulate—clarify three values that matter most to you.
I can keep three values in my mind at all times. If I had a list of 10, I don’t think it would be so easy to recall all of them when emotions are high.
Here’s a starting list of value adjectives for you to consider choosing from:
- Ambitious
- Authentic
- Compassionate
- Courageous
- Dedicated
- Dependable
- Disciplined
- Empathetic
- Ethical
- Fair
- Generous
- Honest
- Humble
- Industrious
- Innovative
- Kind
- Open-minded
- Optimistic
- Passionate
- Resilient
- Resourceful
- Respectful
- Responsible
- Smart
- Tolerant
- Tough
- Transparent
- Wise
I find it most useful to have for each of my three values one specific admirable person in mind. That person, to me, is the embodiment of that value.
3 – Use the values like a mantra
Years ago, I read all of Brené Brown’s books. One tool she’s written about that I find quite useful is mantras.
Mantras are short, easy-to-remember sayings that represent values or ways of acting we wish to follow. When we’re feeling stressed or any other heightened emotion, we repeat one or more mantras to interrupt those emotions and get ourselves back on track to acting the way we wish to act.
The three values you clarify with the previous two steps, especially when you’re able to think of one specific person who embodies each value, provide a sort of mantra for you to remember what’s most valuable to you in difficult or uncertain times. You might also consider developing a short saying or mantra for each value.
Choose your role models carefully
I believe many issues today, especially among younger people, stem from a lack of truly good role models. The loudest people are often not the most admirable.
When a young person, desperate for clarity and purpose, sees someone on social media who has external success, such as money or popularity, they think that person must be a good role model.
Just because someone has achieved apparent success in one area does not mean they are worth emulating in any other area. It’s also hard to tell from external appearances alone the values through which that person achieved external success.
The best indicators of good role models are the following:
- Long-term track record (multiple decades)
- Honest conduct
- Someone you’d be OK with your child or loved sibling marrying for life
It’s not easy to find such role models. But the effort searching is well worth it.
Their examples become your code.
—Matt